Q:So I was Browsing the St. Cloud State Tag and I gathered that you either go there and I'm considering it for college and I was just wondering if you could tell me some of the good and bad stuff about it that you cant really get from the website. and I plan on Majoring in Graphic Design so anything you can tell me about the program would be great as well.

hold-your-ponies

Sorry, I haven’t been active for a while. Not sure if your question is still relevant to you, but I’ll answer it anyway!

Personally, I enjoy the energy of St. Cloud State. It has a nice atmosphere and it’s really cool to meet new people with such diverse backgrounds. SCSU is also very active in the community, promoting a lot of interesting speakers that come to the school. Also, the student union is pretty cool—the Quarry is like stepping into the 80s, though. Crime is a bit of a problem at night, though. Never go out alone.

Also, I really enjoy the teachers that work in the graphic design classes. You’ll love Julie. She was very supportive of me and my transition and always made me feel like I had talent. She goes above and beyond her role as professor. You start off learning the basics, which is good. Despite what you think, graphic design has a lot of work off the computer. Learning to draw, sketch, and put together ideas off the computer will be key to succeeding in the higher level courses.

If you have more questions, just ask. :)

Wow… Kinda Back?

I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit this past year. I’ve mostly been trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I spent the last four months in a haze. I think I’m beginning to step out of it, though. I’m having a moment of clarity and I decided to capitalize on it. Back to internship hunting I go. I’m taking another semester to get my shit together and really get working on this.

I decided to start posting everything I do to my portfolio. Everything. It’s electronic, so I don’t have to worry that much. I think it’s important to abuse this blog format to my advantage. I should allow possible employers to see all of my creative sides, so they know my personality and how they would use me in their organization. It seems silly that I hadn’t thought of this before. Seriously…

Also, I was such a drama queen in my last post. It was hardly a break-up. I had a thing with this guy, but it didn’t go anywhere. That was all that happened. That post is so embarrassing now.

Q:Ah yay! You're back on tumblr! I was hoping you'd come back, I always love reading your posts.

missirrelevance-deactivated2012

Yay! I have a fan. I just try to post about things that are important to me. Sometimes I try to educate people on the transgender experience. Anything to increase empathy, especially within the LGBT community. It’s nice to have someone who isn’t LGBT that enjoys my posts too.

The Outsider

Perhaps the biggest problem I face is community. Everyone needs one and most people have one, whether they’re large or small. Ever since coming out, I’ve felt kind of like a stray, wandering around on my own. The truth is that I’ve been alone for a long time, I just didn’t realize or care. It didn’t matter to me because I was okay with the solitude—or at least that’s what I told myself. I didn’t trust anyone. It didn’t feel like anyone would or could understand me.

After coming out and joining a support group for transgendered people, I began to realize how lonely I really was and how strong I was trying to be. Trying and failing. I made some friends, but something still felt like it was missing. The group really didn’t create a community. It was just a group of people that showed up once a week.

I continued to wander alone, unsure of what I was actually searching for. I had friends that I would meet with, but it wasn’t the same. Not even my family understood me and I often felt like a stranger in my parents’ house. At the end of the last semester, I started attending the LGBT Alliance at my university and I thought, “Perhaps this is what I’ve been looking for.” I was doubtful, however, and I still lacked that feeling.

I’ve tried getting involved with the lesbian community, but I feel so foreign there. It’s not just me, but it just felt like I wasn’t wanted. I’m not saying it’s fair, but I understand why. It’s my curse being both trans and lesbian because I understand both sides. It isn’t fair that I’m subconsciously avoided because I was born male and lesbians like women. Isn’t fair, but it is what it is and I actually do get it. There was even a time that I considering dropping the lesbian identity from my personality and just saying “I like girls” instead. I realized that it wouldn’t solve any problems, though. I’m a girl who likes girls: a lesbian. I’m just a special kind of lesbian.

So I continue to walk alone, looking for a place I can be accepted as I am. I haven’t found it yet. I only found places that accept parts of me and not the whole of me.

Why I Changed My Nickname

As some of you may know, my name is Alison. I used to go by “Ali” for short, but apparently people kept getting confused on how to pronounce it. They would pronounce it like a certain prince from Aladdin. I’m not sure why it was that confusing, considering that I’m a girl, but I changed it. I guess that’s one of the benefits of being trans. I’ve only had this name for less than a year, so I can still decide to change it if I want to.

So what’s the big, new nickname? It’s “Allie.” What? Were you expecting a huge change or something? I just switched it to add emphasis to the “l” sound in my name, so people actually understand from the start. Ohhhhhh… So you pronounce it like the girl’s name. Uh, yeah.

Yes, I know that I’m silly, but I also know that my followers love me because I’m silly. See you on my next entry, my lovelies.

What? I’m Panromantic?

It’s been a while, Tumblr. Sorry about that. I got consumed with my portfolio and my senior classes and lost the Tumblr habit. I’m back now because I just missed everyone here at this lovely place.

Something really weird happened to me recently. See, I started to like someone I never thought I would like. Not because this person wasn’t awesome because they are, but because of what sex they are. That’s right, I found out that I liked a guy. What? But, girl, I thought you were a lesbian? Trust me, I am. But you liked a guy! Trust me, I still am completely gay.

Okay, you’re going to need to explain this. Don’t worry, I will! I’m homosexual, which means that I only like women sexually and physically. Basically, I look at girls and now what I like. Oooo! She’s so hot! However, I discovered through this guy that I’m panromantic. That means that I can develop romantic attachments to anyone, regardless of their gender.

Thing is, I don’t know if I could ever take that extra step and actually have sex with a guy. Why? I’m freaking gay! It’s one thing to go out on dates, kiss, and snuggle. It’s another to spread my legs for him. At least right now, that requires some physical attraction. So, no, guys, that means that you don’t have a shot at getting this lesbian in bed. No hetero!

I know what some of you are wondering, though: what happened to the guy? Well, the guy I liked was another trans person. An FTM, to be precise. We get along really well and he’s becoming one of my closest friendships right now. Unfortunately, he told me that he isn’t interested in a relationship right now. He’s going through a lot of stuff. So, yeah, I told him how I felt—obviously. I don’t regret telling him, though, because it’ll be easier for me to get over him now and move on.

Yes, that means I’m still available, ladies. Wink!

Being a Lesbian Isn’t Easy

Not really just a lesbian, but gay in general. I’m starting to feel the stigma. Before, people could still write me off as a heterosexual male. Each day that goes by, I look more and more feminine, so it becomes less likely of that happening. People have gotten in my face about this. People have told me that I need to be straight because it’s easier. People have told me that I’m not allowed to like women and be trans, it’s one or the other.

Each day, this identity becomes more difficult to carry. I can feel the weight increasing on my back. This used to be how I felt about my gender identity, but now I feel this way about my sexual orientation. Just like my gender identity, this isn’t something I can help. No matter what others say, I can’t simply will myself to like men.

How am I supposed to deal with this every day, though? I feel this societal pressure increasing each time I wake up in the morning. More people confront me about it. Even people who I thought were my friends. Sometimes I find it difficult to face the world, knowing that today might be the day where I snap and really lay into someone for questioning my sexuality. Maybe, I just might need to do that. Maybe I need to learn to be a bit of a bitch in order to get people to leave me alone.